"In Feb 2005, I was 15 weeks pregnant with my baby girl; how did I know she was a girl at this early stage? Well here is my story.
In December 2004 I was seeing someone who I thought was the love of my life, B, even though he was a drug user, I was smitten. We had been going out for two years and ever thing was going really well. The only thing B didn't want was a baby, but after already having two wonderful boys my body clock was ticking. During Christmas dinner, around my parents, my youngest son asked if I was pregnant. I laughed at him and told him, "No way". Christmas came and went, I forgot about it, until after cooking B New Year's dinner I realised that I had missed my period, so without telling him, the next day I undertook a home test! I threw up, it indicated I was pregnant. I myself was over the moon; I delivered the news to B who told me to get out and that he didn't want to know unless I got rid of the baby!!!!! I was in shock, I never thought he meant it, but he did and was breaking up with me when I needed him the most. I am strong so got on with things, informed people and parents who were not pleased, but loved me anyway.
My friend Helen came with me for the 12 week scan, moral support and all!! Whilst having my tummy rubbed and seeing the scan I knew something was wrong, being a mother of two healthy children, I just had a sixth sense something was wrong. The nurse went out and came back in with a Doctor, something was terribly wrong. I burst into tears. The Doctor went through the scan with me and what I had felt in the pit of my stomach was coming true. There on the screen just behind the baby's neck was a white blob, on the spine also. Getting off the bed, I was in shock. Helen escorted me outside and I just cried my heart out, how could this have happened, I had never had any problems before!!!
The Doctor told me he was sending me for tests the next day to Kings College Hospital London. I told Helen I would have the baby no matter what, it had been given, this was a punishment for all that I had done wrong in my life, but I was going to cling onto this baby. I knew it was the girl I had always wanted and was not going to give in, not going to let go. The next day I was up London for the tests, adamant that I was having this baby no matter what, come hell or high water. The first tests were to take a DNA sample to asses what was going on with the baby, then I was told I would receive the results in the post. I did two days later with an appointment to come back that next week, which would have been the 13th week. The DNA results had confirmed the baby was a girl, but also what was wrong with my beautiful daughter. She had T13 or Patau Syndrome, which meant she had an extra chromosome on each of her DNA pairs, making them three. I didn't care, I was carrying the baby to full term. In the meantime I had told B, in the car park of his work at Costco. He didn't really care, got out and left me too it. I went mad, pre-natal depression, hate life depression, hate God depression, I was in turmoil. My father, bless him came with me to the Hospital that next week, where I told the Doctors I was having it to full term. They gently sat me down and explained that this was not going to happen for my case. They set up a 3D image scan of the baby, looking at her on the screen was devastating, her mouth was not fully formed or her nose. I was in tears, in shock and in denial. My parents were a great comfort to me, but I just kept going round B's screaming at him, he of course had taken another girlfriend under his wing, which made me more insane.
The news from the hospital was that I was due to give birth on the 25th Feb 2005, I can remember that day as if it was yesterday. The Doctors said I had to give birth normally, even at 15 weeks. Again I was traumatised, but my best friends are a Roman Catholic and a Baptist and came with me on that day. When I got through the doors, I sensed that this was the best way, another mother of 25 weeks was next door, so my situation was not as bad as her, I can still hear her screams. My friends came with me for the whole ride, I took the pill which would a) induce me and b) end the life of my little daughter. RC friend rung B to tell him it was about to happen, because I was screaming that I needed him there (but on the whole I think he would have ended up in A&E). My friends held my hand, wiped my tears and after an hour, in which they were praying and just being there for me, I knew she was about to come into this world.
It is a funny thing, a mother's link, even with a dying daughter. I didn't want to push; willed her to be made whole there and then. I didn't believe in religion but didn't believe that God would put me through this, but I felt Him there with us, and as she was entering the world for the last time, I looked up and on that plain hospital wall, was a full and vivid rainbow, in the middle of that rainbow was a beautiful white cross. I cried, she had come into this world not having any breath, but I knew she knew I had loved her. I was given her back after the nurse had taken photographs and she was beautiful to me, her little curled mouth, no nose, but black hairs had started to come through the crown on her head, and wonderful eyes she would have had too. To top off the experience for a non-religious person was a Methodist Minister, I was surrounded by the love of the Church, surrounded by the love of God and knew that my baby had made it to heaven.
For sometime afterwards I had terrible post-natal depression, had no help for what I had just been through, was left on my own to fend off the feelings of being a rotten mother, that something was wrong with my body. I pestered B, letters, asking why. But today I look back and see, this was how it was meant to be, today I am living miles away in Wales, with two wonderful teenage sons and embarking on a vocation as a................ you guessed it, a Vicar!!!! I know, maybe it was that moment, that showed me God loves all His children, even if we have lost them at birth, that makes me know I am a wonderful loving mother and that I still love my baby girl. She would have been 6 this year, but I would have never gone on this path I am on now if she were here, and I know I will see her face again."
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